


By the Coastline

by SgtPepper007



Series: EXO Oneshots [18]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Psychological, Reflection, Sea, Self-Reflection, coast, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23420452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SgtPepper007/pseuds/SgtPepper007
Summary: Jongdae is staying shortly in his hometown in Nova Scotia, renewing with his love for the sea, but what he adores the most confronts him to a past he cannot escape any longer.
Series: EXO Oneshots [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1257455
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	By the Coastline

**Author's Note:**

  * For [melon_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/melon_love/gifts).



> This oneshot is a request from my dear, amazing and wonderful Melon based on [this](http://socdn.smtown.com/upload/starhome/layout/chen/ver02/092900/29.jpg) picture of Jongdae. It turned out being way more angsty than I planned, and what a surprise, I got carried away again... I hope you'll still enjoy it, even if the inspiration might not match perfectly with the reference picture (seriously, me and prompts have a weird relationship), but I hope you will catch on with the way I twisted the reference in the storyline. It was refreshing to go back to my inital style of writing more focused on internal struggles, reflection and psychological development. I'm having fun with requests lately hehe
> 
> Another kind of important information about the oneshot is that it is majorly influenced and inspired by Patrick Watson ['Lighthouse'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPlHTjBffbk). I advise to listen to it to get into the mood or to simply listen to this one of a kind and very special artist that deserves a whole lot of love and appreciation.
> 
> Also, huge thanks to Arrow for beta-ing my oneshot <3

The fresh, raw scent of pine that had accompanied Jongdae throughout his youth, mixed with the strong smell of salt and fish, his most favourite scent of the coast next to which he had some of his fondest memories, hadn’t changed one bit. Its soothing familiarity and calming properties that had rocked him most of his life were as healing as he remembered them to be. He had been afraid that having no connection and contact with the sea for the past three years would have resulted in him idealising and overly gratifying the scent that was dear to him. He was glad to learn that it wasn’t the case; the tingling on his skin and nostrils was delightful.

Coming back to his hometown wasn’t an appealing idea even if he missed his parents. His neighbours had drastically aged, the cold wind paired with constant exposure to the burning sun and harsh labour deepening their wrinkles and tanning their skin a golden tint of brown. Jongdae’s kin weren’t spared either, their sharp features being the result of their hard work and demanding lifestyle, one Jongdae had fled from as soon as he had graduated from college. 

Seeing his parents in flesh, feeling their bodies against his as he held them in his arms after having spent a year without going past the limits of a screen was what convinced him that stomping on his firm resolution to never set foot in his hometown again was a worthy sacrifice. Not having the chance of receiving them in their yearly visit in his home in the city proved to be harder to deal with than he had imagined. They were surprised when Jongdae had announced his intentions of driving to their home to pay them a visit.

And beyond meeting his parents, finding solace in his safe haven was the activity he was looking forward to the most. No matter how much he had avoided his hometown, how much he had tried ignoring and pushing his growing need for the sea to the back of his mind, he had longed to go back to Nova Scotia almost instantly after moving to Fredericton. The coast was a part of him and he had stubbornly caged it, had locked down his deepest vital desire of connecting with the sea for years. And after having reached it, he hadn’t been able to spend the day without seeing and smelling it, neither did he the previous day.

The sound of waves crashing against the rocks surrounding the coast, varying in intensity when the sea was calm, like a gentle touch, a tender whisper lulling him to a sense of serenity, or crashing more violently, tugging at his heart with its screams; Jongdae had lost the count of the amount of times it had embraced him in his dreams. Sometimes he would recall having spent the night in Nova Scotia, or in places he didn’t know, swimming as tides pulled him along with them. He had woken up abruptly countless times as he drowned in them, the waves so violent he was helplessly stuck in their unforgiving tides, but he had also awoken with his heart clenching, plunged in nostalgia or comfort when the tides were calm regardless of him remembering the dreams or not. 

He had missed the smell of the sea, its mix of salt and fish clinging onto him. He had missed the wind ruffling his clothes, pulling his strands of hair in every direction possible when agitated or caressing him on quiet days. Jongdae found pleasure in watching the changes of the weather; when the wind rises, bumping and pulling the water with it, and increasing the intensity of the currents. The sea was frightening when its gentle tides transformed into menacing waves, movements turbulent as the wind brought dark clouds along with it. Jongdae used to marvel at the sight while watching the sky from the house when he was a child. Seeing the rays of sun disappear in a matter of seconds, sunlight nowhere in sight while it had been pouring into the blinds only a few instants prior, was a spectacle worth witnessing every time.

Now that Jongdae was sitting on the rocks by the sea, the weather was calm and cloudy with a gust of wind bringing a chill shaking his bones and piercing through his warm sweater, seemingly not affecting the occasional seagulls flying by. The sound of leaves ruffling and waves crashing gently against the rocks basked the whole area in tranquility, but as Jongdae inhaled the comforting scent he adored, his mind wouldn’t match with the serene atmosphere. If anything, it made his stomach clench more with every breath. This part of his hometown held nothing but warm memories, but at that moment, it only seemed to make them bitter.

Jongdae had found an old wooden box in his former bedroom a couple of hours ago in the morning, a box that had accumulated dust over the past three years, abandoned under his bed, away from prying, curious eyes. He had found it when he had dropped his phone on the floor, catching the mysterious object in his peripheral vision when he crouched down to grab his electronic device. He had settled the wooden box on his bed, dusted it off and cautiously trailed his fingers along the material as if he had found a long lost treasure. 

Hiding inside it were letters he had written to himself, letters he had completely forgotten the existence of over the past years. A stack of old papers wasn’t something that typically held much value, but when Jongdae read all its content, he considered the box as being his own precious treasure that had defied and transcended time. He was stunned at the number of letters he had written, the box containing eleven of them. Their content varied a lot, from half a page gushing about a video game he had gotten for Christmas when he was ten, to three detailed pages recounting his very first date with his first girlfriend and prospects of their vacations together for their one year anniversary, only to be followed by another letter written the following year depicting his heartbreak. It wasn’t quite a diary since, oddly enough, they were all written for the purpose of vehiculating them to his future self, even if most of them were merely a way for him to express himself by writing his thoughts down. 

The letters varied in length and topics and Jongdae had forgotten about most of the trivial things he had written back then, chuckling at the funny adventures he wrote in one particular letter from seven years ago. However, there were some pages about moments that were still as clear as glass, one making his heart clench while stumbling across an especially dark, gloomy letter after his best friend had passed away merely a few months before graduation. Coincidentally, the two last letters he had written to himself weren’t as bright or light as the rest; they were tainted with pure sadness and unmanaged grief.

And while Jongdae was sitting by the sea, various thoughts flooded his mind. The gentle yet chilly wind caressing his face didn’t ease the dread overcoming him like it would usually do; it enhanced it. While staring at the sea at his feet stirring freely, memories and images of most of his lifetime spent there clouded his mind; numerous conversations, specific just like foggy ones, and emotions he had felt by the coast and his hometown clutched him with beast-like claws. 

The walk towards his parents’ house after an hour spent lulled by the coastal waves was accompanied by the smell of pine and warmth coming from the rays of sun peeking through the clouds dispersing and leaving a place for a clear, blue sky. Jongdae’s steps were slow and heavy, feeling dry branches he stepped on break under his soles. He noticed beads of flowers and grass growing out of the soil, the vegetation awaking and rejoicing in the thawn ground after a long and harsh winter. The young man took his time as the tiniest, melancholic of smiles ghosted on his lips.

Once Jongdae bid his goodbye to his parents two days later, the couple’s smile wide in spite of their son not quite promising to come back this soon, the day was warmer than the previous ones. He drove by the coast and inhaled the scent he cherished one last time before heading towards the highway, ready for the five hours awaiting him in the confinement of his car towards a city that had become his second home, or so he had convinced himself. He would miss the coast.

He left behind the people whom he held the closest to his heart, memories he had buried and almost forgotten while caught in the fast paced city life he would fall back into again. He glanced at the sky, catching sight of a group of seagulls, and silently vowed to gather the courage to return to his parents’ house again and open the wooden box hidden under his bed, to read the words scribbled in the twelfth neatly folded paper. When his agonizing winter dragging on and on will melt away, when his spring, just like the vegetation’s, would come.

  
  
  


_ May 3rd 2020. _

_ Dear Jongdae,  _

_ How have you been? It feels kind of weird to write a letter to my future self after all these years. But I’m feeling excited, holding a pen and writing these words to you. It might seem childish but I feel like adding a twelfth letter to the bunch of other ones could be fun. _

_ For the first time since I moved to Fredericton, I came back home. It’s my fourth and last day here with mom and dad. Although I was scared to come back here, the short vacation was nice. I mostly helped them at home and rested. But what I’m the most happy about is seeing the sea again after three years. It’s the most refreshing thing and I’m afraid I might be even more addicted to it. The river in Fredericton is nowhere near the coast of Nova Scotia, of my hometown. _

_ Truthfully, as much as this trip back home was refreshing in a way, it left me more shaken than anything else. _

_ I found my old letters under my bed and I read them all. And it made me realize many things. Moving to Fredericton was just a way to run away. Run away from what? I still don’t really know. But I’ve never felt complete there. Maybe I was afraid.  _

_ I miss Sehun. And to reply to the last letter I wrote, I still haven’t mourned his death. I… I am unable to do so. I thought I did, but going to the coast, recalling every fond memory I have of him by the sea, at home, in the forest nearby his house, in the rocky paths alongside the sea, in the lighthouse fifteen minutes away by bike, in my backyard, in the basketball field, in the promises we made; he is everywhere. Nova Scotia reeks of him. Maybe I wanted to stop being confronted by him by avoiding his overwhelming presence. Maybe I also love the smell of the coast because I can feel him in it too. _

_ I tried cutting my ties with my hometown, with his ghost. I tried cutting the bond I still haven’t accepted that changed. I forcefully moved with the promise of never coming back while thinking it would solve everything, like a magical spell. I thought it had worked, but the sea never left me. And coming here made me realize that I have been living in illusions. False hopes. Cutting a bond forcefully works in the short term, but is in vain in the long run. Cutting the tie physically is meaningless compared to the one I can still feel vividly burning inside of me. _

_ I’m sorry to have deceived you, or myself from three years ago, but I still haven’t grieved and digested Sehun’s death. I miss the old me, the me that was joyful and optimistic, the me that thought could overcome any tidal wave coming at him. I’m pathetic. _

_ I don’t know how to end this letter. It feels awkward writing to myself like this.  _

_ Jongdae, I don’t know when will be the next time you’ll open the box and read the content of this letter, but I want to tell you that avoiding your hometown is useless. The old you died along with Sehun, and you won’t ever be able to see the both of them again. But I hope it will never hold you down again with its shackles. I hope that the Jongdae that will read this letter will have overcome the first riptide. I am convinced that there are many of them awaiting you, some you probably accumulated the past years by running away from them. But a tiny man cannot control the forces of nature. The tide comes and goes, but it can never be stopped. I hope that someday you’ll be able to contemplate the Nova Scotia coastline with a peace of mind, unlike the past four days I’ve experienced. Don’t let such beauty of nature be ruined by your mess of a self and your cowardice. _

_ Please, forgive yourself and grieve. Sehun wouldn’t like to see you in the state you are in.  _

_ For a brighter future and a better, evolved you, and with pure sincerity, _

_ For your happiness and freedom, _

_ Jongdae. _


End file.
